Constitutional Restoration And Preeminence Act of 2015

This is an April Fools Post…plausible but fictional none the less.

Congressman Richard Weed (R-LA) announced that on April 15th, 2015 he will introduce the Constitutional Restoration and Preeminence Act of 2015. The legislation reaffirms Article I Section 8 of the Constitution which gives Congress exclusive legislative authority over the federal district. The legislation would amend and virtually gut the 1973 Home Rule Act for the District of Columbia. Rep. Weed’s bill would allow District residents to continue to vote for 13 members of the Council but would expand the Council’s number to 27 and have 14 councilmembers be appointed by Congress. Additionally, the mayor would still be elected by the residents of the District but that vote must come before Congress for an approval vote at which time Congress could vote to appoint a different mayor than elected by the people of the District.

At a press conference announcing the legislation with his wife, Tammy, and their two children, Chastity and Colt, by his side Rep. Weed said “since my first year at the Fred Phelps Online Bible & Law School I have slept with the three things most important things in my life on the night stand next to my bed: the Constitution, a King James Bible, and a Glock semi-automatic handgun. These three things that I hold most dear to my heart are under threat by the drug crazed liberal atheist leadership in the District of Columbia. Over the last several years those people have shown that they hate guns, God, and the Constitution and this bill will put them back in their rightful and constitutionally sanctioned place as subjects of Congress. District residents should be overjoyed by this act of benevolence as they will now have 27 Councilmembers, a mayor, and 535 members of Congress all looking out for their best interest. It will now be the most over-represented place in the world and that is a reflection of the greatness of our democracy.”

This move which would roll back 40 years of Home Rule is sending shock-waves across the District’s elected leaders. Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton could not be reached for comment because aide said she was on the first day of parking school and the first rule of good parking is ‘No Phones.’ The aide promised a fiery floor speech from the Congresswoman when Congress reconvenes. Mayor Muriel Bowser who was attending her 800th town hall meeting in 100 days responded with both sshock and anger “this isn’t THEIR #FreshStart it’s OUR #FreshStart and OUR #Freshtart is about following the will of the people in #All8Wards. We Are Washington, DC, not them!”

Council Chairman Phil Mendelson, whose authority would be drastically undermined by this bill, was mildly frustrated by the news saying “this is a subversion of democracy but I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do. Congress has the authority to do it and our hands are tied. There will be a time to fight but now is not that time so I urge my colleagues and the residents of the District to be patient and let’s see how all this plays out. By the way, I know a highly qualified consultant we should issue a sole source contract to who can assess the fiscal impact of this legislation.”

Rep. Weed is one of Ted Cruz’s closest allies in the House and is a frequent participant in late night sessions with Senator Cruz at Tortilla Coast and even voted for him to be Speaker of the House in January. When Rep. Weed faced a tough primary challenge from a well-financed GOP establishment candidate in 2014 he got a “TCP” tattoo to brag about his conservative credentials as a member of the Tortilla Coast Posse. When Senator Cruz was reached on his presidential campaign bus, The Grandstanding Express, for comment about the bill he leaned back in his chair as his trademark Dr. Evil grin spread across his face and said “Congressman Weed is a close confidante and I think the Constitutional Resotration And Preeminence Act (CRAP Act) makes a lot of sense. We have strayed from the Constitution and the people in the District need to understand that they belong to Congress. The days of free love, free weed, and free abortions must come to an end and an era of free guns and free Bibles is coming.”

Another presidential hopeful who has meddled into District affairs of late, Marco Rubio, was caught off guard by the announcement of the legislation. Senator Rubio, who was seen hastily putting on a blaze orange hat and hunting vest handed to him by an aide before meeting with reporters at the Des Moines airport said simply “I have not seen the legislation yet but once my pollsters look it over I’ll have more to comment on. It sounds promising to those of us who love so dearly above all else Guns, God, and Freedom.”

Democrats in Congress were less willing to discuss the legislation on the record but one Senator who wished to remain anonymous said “in truth, this will really help us with fundraising especially in the District. It’s amazing how little our party has done for District citizens yet they keep giving us loads of money. Hell, in 2011 the Democratic President said ‘John, I’ll give you D.C.’ and then in 2012 he got over 90% of the vote in the District and those suckers gave and continue to give us millions upon millions of dollars. I mean when we had the Senate from 2012-2014 and they were content with just a hearing on statehood, that’s it!”

President Obama who has issued meaningless statements in support of the District’s efforts for budget autonomy in past budgets stopped to speak with reporters after visiting a District restaurant “I haven’t seen the bill but I’m inclined to say that I would veto if it gets to my desk unless of course I can broker a deal where I can get something I actually care about legislatively in exchange for it. I’ve used the District as a bargaining chip before and once you start it’s surprisingly hard to stop.”

Speaker Boehner and Chairman Chaffetz could not be reached for comment so it remains unclear when and how fast this bill will speed through the parliamentary process in the House.

When asked why he planned to introduce the bill on April 15th Congressman Weed said “look, the District pays $24 billion annually in taxes with no strings attached so I did not want to mess up that gravy train by doing something before Tax Day. We need that free money, heck even with no representation the District still out paces 22 states in bringing in money to the federal piggy bank.” The CRAP Act, might or might not become law but it does present the most overt attack on Home Rule since the Control Board and it gives fonder for statehood absolutists who have always called Home Rule: Home Fool!

And with that: Happy April Fool’s Day Everyone! Obviously the above is 100% fictional but possible. Have a great day and please don’t tell anyone in Congress about this as it might give them an idea.

Josh Burch

Brookland, DC

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